fallen verses

Quite a large number of people find this site by searching for “How to break up with your girlfriend.” I doubt everyone is looking for this, and the search term, “creative ways to break up with your girlfriend” was a definitive answer (that people are looking for a how-to). I have broken up with a few girlfriends and I have some thoughts on both “how to” and “creative ways” which I will happily, if perplexedly, share.

Also, I know that a large percentage of my readers who read this site because I post interesting things are women. Please, feel free to comment and help these guys who are desperately searching for help.

Certain truths

There are some things you should keep in mind when breaking up with your girlfriend.

1. Breaking up is hard to do. Cliche as it is, it’s true. Presumably for a relationship to have gotten to the stage where there is some question about method of break-up, it was serious enough that you probably care about her and she you. It’s emotionally painful, even if it is the right thing, to hurt someone.
2. You will be the shithead. There is no way around this one. You’re intentionally hurting someone, even if it is the right thing to do. Deal.

Those truths being understood, there are more-shitheady ways, and less-shitheady ways.

Tom’s “preferred” method

I prefer a face-to-face in-person talk if that is possible. In a public but not exposed location. No one wants to break down into tears in front of a crowd of strangers, but privacy could be detrimental (to your health). The least bad way for this to go is for you to say something along the lines of:

I think you’re really amazing. But I think we are looking for different things right now and it isn’t fair to either of us to stay in this relationship.

Bonus points if you mean it. Alternatively, this may be okay:

I think you’re really amazing, I do. But I just don’t love you. And you deserve to be with someone who will.

Liberal use of “I’m sorry” may help in avoiding bloodshed.

But what about honesty?

Ordinarily, I’m a big proponent of honesty. And that’s the great thing: one of the two above statements should be true! You’d have to be a right shithead for the both of them to be lies. I would say that the above are being honest in the nicest way possible. I mean, really, if the goal is to create a better world, shouldn’t we want to be nice to people we have shared meals/shared movies/shared beds with? If honesty and/or niceness aren’t that big a deal for you, there are… other… options.

Other options

Note: these would fall into the category of really bad ideas. But Schadenfreude might make them funny.

Facebook
If you and your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend have disclosed your relationship to the jackals on facebook, you have some interesting opportunities. Between the wall and all those nifty sketching and word-game plugins, you should have methods of communication galore! Step one: write something mean. “I think you’re ugly,” as an example, would get the point across. Perhaps, “I’d rather fuck a dead fish.” Play, have fun. Violate the terms of service and get banned. It’s up to you. But write the terrible thing, then set your status to single and start sending messages (to other women. Extra points for “mistakenly” sending one to your ex with someone else’s name. Maybe her best-friend or her sister’s name. Maybe her mom’s name. Depending on the age group–by which I mean avoid anything illegal–maybe her daughter’s name.)

Youtube
Ah, Youtube, font of endless clips of illegally copied media and generally terrible videos. It truly is a democratization of media and you can abuse that. One idea is to make a video, dedicated to her, wherein you have one of her favorite songs playing and you start by extolling the wonderful times you had. But, it’s not all flowers and candles. She has flaws (and obivously you do) and you should talk about them. At Length. Bonus points for making out with another woman (see above list) at the end.

The Classic “Walk-In”
An oldie, but a goodie. Best suited for breaking-up with someone who has a key to your place (but be ready to change the locks!). At some time you know she is going to be coming over, by prior knowledge or by arranging it, make sure you’re in flagrante delicto with another woman (again, see above list) when she comes in. For the younger crowd, making out would work just as well, I think. The wonderful thing about this method is that there are two options. Either she leaves and you’re broken up, or she joins! And hey, option 2 means she’s a keeper!

Break-up Poetry
Most people consider poetry an excellent vehicle during the “wooing” phase of a relationship, but we’re all about breaking the rules, aren’t we? This technique requires an embarrassingly large delivery of roses to really work. So embarrassingly large that she immediately reads the card out loud (or someone else steals the card and reads it, even better!) before she knows what it says. As far as what should be written, I don’t think there’s any real need to worry about longer forms, this is one you want to keep short.
Consider limericks!

There is this boy from Kentucky
Who thinks he’s so very lucky-
he screws you all night
and your sister all day-
the luckiest boy in Kentucky.

Or Haiku! (haiku-like, anyway)

sweet jasmine-breeze- kissing you in the twilight- I’d rather die
oil-slick halibut- dead and slimy are better- than you in the sack

The point is, it’s more about the content than the form. Feel free to ignore “the rules” of poetry in this situation. Embrace off-rhyme and sing-songy rhythm. Even if it isn’t great verse, she’ll be surprised that you wrote something from the heart.

Email
For the most part, email and text messaging don’t offer the same opportunities to create a killing machine motivated by vengeance and embarrassment aimed at destroying your car, then your social life, and then killing you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun with them. Corporate mailing lists offer worlds of opportunity. You’ll probably get fired and there may be issues with privacy laws and there is the possibility of being sued for some form of harassment. That’s what the economics crowd call “opportunity costs.” Remember: “CC:” is your friend.

To clarify, I find some humor in everything between “Other Options” and here, but they are BAD BAD BAD ideas only meant to cause pain and humiliation. No one deserves that. No one. I mean that: NO ONE. The best revenge is living well. The best break-up is one where both people are if not happy, then content and hopeful for the future.